Tabitha's Tough Decision

This evening Tabitha decided to become a Christian!  It's kind of a funny story actually.  She tends to mix up words a lot, and for several months she's been saying at random times, "When I grow up I want to be a Mommy, not a Christian."  We hadn't been able to figure out what she meant or why she thought she couldn't be both.  It turns out she was thinking "Christian" meant "missionary" (which of course it should), and that "missionary" meant going all over the world telling people about Jesus and probably being shipwrecked and beaten and imprisoned.  I think the stories she's been learning about Paul's journeys had her a little hesitant.

She and I were driving home this evening, and she asked me something like, "When people die, do we put them in the ground?"  I said we put their body in the ground, but their soul goes to be with Jesus if they're a Christian.  She was quiet for a minute and then said, "Mommy, I changed my mind about something.  When I grow up I want to be a Christian AND a mommy."  I told her that was great, and I was glad she finally understood that she could be both.

A couple minutes later she asked more about what a Christian is, and I told her it's someone who loves Jesus, believes that He died and rose again so we could be forgiven, and wants to follow and obey Him.  She said she wanted to be a Christian while she was still a kid.  I asked her if she loved Jesus and wanted to obey Him, and she said yes.  And then she prayed a cute, simple prayer, telling Jesus that she believed He died for her and that she wanted to obey Him.  Then she said, "And one more thing . . . please help all the poor people to be happy."

When we got home, I told her to tell Daddy about what we talked about in the car.  She said, "Oh yeah!  4+3=7, and 5+2= 7!"  Well, yes Tab, we did talk about that too, but that's not what I meant.  Finally, with a little hinting, she figured out which thing I wanted her to tell him about.  He's had discussions with her about it in the past too, but we haven't wanted to push her at all because she tends to agree with any little fad that passes by and then change her mind the next day.  We wanted her to come to a genuine decision.  So we're both very excited that she has taken her time to think about this and has chosen to follow Jesus!  We pray that her commitment to Him and relationship with Him grow stronger and closer throughout the rest of her life.  And hopefully one day, she'll be a Christian AND a mommy AND a missionary, and many other things as well!

Resting in the Arms of Jesus

Please pray for this sweet family, the Olssons.  They go the our church, and we've met them a few times through the orphan ministry, since they've adopted from Ethiopia and are almost completed with their second Ethiopian adoption.  On Saturday a terrible tragedy occurred:  their precious 2-year-old daughter was killed when she was hit by an SUV in a parking lot.

This week has been exhausting and heart-wrenching for our whole church family.  Heath and I don't know them very well, but it's just such a sad tragedy and has been a heavy weight for all of us.  I can't even imagine the extent of their pain, and I'm so glad that our church and community are supporting them.  I think there were over 300 people at her funeral today!

It's so hard to understand why God would let this happen.  Only a week after getting home from meeting their new daughter in Ethiopia (whom they're hoping to bring home in July), they lost the daughter they adopted only a year and a half ago.  It seems so senseless, but we trust that God is good, that he holds little Marra Freh in His arms now, and that He is close to the brokenhearted.  Their family has been an amazing reflection of God's grace and strength already.  They've reached out to and forgiven the woman who was driving, they focused the funeral on inviting people to know Christ and to consider adoption, and they've been so full of His grace and peace and have been a blessing to others, even as they grieve so deeply.

Please pray for them if you think of it.  And hug your loved ones a little extra today.

Happy Birthday, Tabitha!

Tabitha turned six years old yesterday!  Seems like she was just turning 3 . . . and now 6?!  This past year she has learned and grown a lot, and I'm looking forward to this next year....I think it will be our best one yet!

Since horses are her favorite thing, we had a horse cake for her (cut out by me, decorated by Heath...don't we make a great team?)  =)

Happy Birthday, Tabitha!  We love you!

I'm HOW old?!

I turned 35 today.  I know in the grand scheme of things that's not very old.  But I've never been 35 before, and it sounds old for ME to be that age!  I guess if you go by my increasing amount of gray hair and diminishing amount of brain cells, I'm actually much older though.  ;-)  Heath and the kids took me out for dinner, and God gave us beautiful weather for my birthday so we could sit outside.  It was a very nice day!

But that's not really what I'm writing about.

This morning, God did one of His little miracles.  Subtle, personal, internal, but a miracle nonetheless.  And I want to share it so that I can look back and remember what He did, and so that He might be glorified and you might be encouraged.

I had a bad last few days.  (And just FYI, it's not hormonal...this is a spiritual battle going on.)  I've been annoyed with everything and everyone, disgruntled about having to take care of my kids and the house, rude to my husband, complaining about everything, and just plain sick and tired of being a mom!  I keep thinking to myself that I love my kids but I hate parenting!  So when I'm in this frame of mind, no one can do anything right, and I just sink deeper and deeper into my pity party, and get meaner and meaner the longer I let it go on.

Well, this morning, as I already mentioned, was my birthday.  On one's birthday, one should be treated with a little extra care, right?  I shouldn't have to remind the kids to do their chores, there shouldn't be fighting and complaining, there shouldn't be extra messes to clean up, everyone should be perfect for me, right????  Well, in the ideal world that exists only in my head, YES!!  The only problem comes when I expect that world to be my reality.  So when the kids had to be reminded a gazillion times to finish their chores (because they kept getting sidetracked to fight with each other), when there are more than even the usual messes, when everyone keeps annoying me, what do I do?  I explode with the stress of the last 3 days and launch into a big tirade about how it's my birthday and all I want for my birthday is them to behave and can't they even do that for one day a year and how I just want to be by myself for my birthday present and. . . . .wah wah wah wah wah.  On I go, acting like my toddler throwing a tantrum.  (See, 35 may feel old....but I'm still plenty young at heart.)

After I threaten everyone into the car, to go to . . . Bible study, of  all places (where we've been studying being joyful always, praying continually, and being thankful in all circumstances) . . . I'm still fuming and irritated with them and with life and mostly with myself.  A couple minutes before we arrive, a Creed song comes on saying "There's a peace inside us all . . . it will help you carry on . . . "  And I'm thinking, "Yeah, right.  What peace?"   Too angry to pray, too angry to apologize to the kids, too angry to soften my heart at all, I don't even want to repent.  But just before I get out of the car, I mutter to God, without really meaning it, "If there's really supposed to be a peace inside of me You'll have to force it on me, because I'm too mad to even ask for it right now."  That was one of those prayers you don't really expect God to answer.  I knew my heart was hard, my faith was nearly nonexistent, and my prayer anything but heartfelt.  

But, guess how great my God is!  During the next hour of discussion with the other ladies in the group, God softened my heart, gave me a spirit of repentance and filled me with peace.  Some of the verses we studied were ones that I've known for ages and have memorized, but in that moment they were sharper than a two-edged sword, judging the thoughts and attitudes of my heart.  This was no intellectual exercise where I figured out "Oh, I need to change this or that."  I knew what was wrong before I came in there!  No new knowledge was given out, and I didn't have any big enlightenment.  But through fellowship with His saints and through the power of His word, He worked a miracle in my stubborn heart.  I call it a miracle, not in a scientific sense like raising someone from the dead, but in a spiritual sense.  One definition of miracle is "an extraordinary event manifesting divine intervention in human affairs."  This was certainly that!  Extraordinary in the sense that this doesn't ordinarily happen to me!  Divine intervention in that HE did this, not me!  You know, God says it's His kindness that leads us to repentance.  And it was only His kindness that got me there.  He did just what I had (almost sarcastically) prayed He would do . . . forced His peace on me, softened my stubborn heart, overwhelmed me with His grace.

After the Bible study I apologized to my beautiful, sweet children, and we enjoyed a wonderful afternoon and evening celebrating my years of life.  But more importantly I want to celebrate my Savior, who can turn a heart of stone into a heart of flesh, who truly is my Lord of Peace.

Subtle.  Personal.  Internal.  But a miracle nonetheless.

"Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way."  2 Thessalonians 3:16

Farewell for Now, Facebook

I joined facebook in October 2007, which by some was considered rather late.  Before then I had scoffed at people who used it, wondering what the attraction could possibly be.  When my cousin convinced me to join, I still thought it was kind of silly.  By the end of that year I had 7 friends and used facebook maybe a couple times a month.  In the years between then and now, my number of friends has multiplied greatly, as has the time I spend on facebook.  Now, as much as I hate to admit it (because of how much I made fun of people who were "always on facebook") I've become one of them!  I'm usually on facebook daily, often several times a day.  I don't post all that much, but I browse quite a lot.  Fortunately I don't have a smart phone, so at least it's limited to when I'm on my computer.

Facebook is great!  And facebook is terrible.  Like anything, it's a matter of how you use it.  But lately, I've been convicted that I've become mastered by it.  Instead of it being an occasional activity, it's become invasive to the rest of my life.  When I get on the computer for some legitimate purpose, I end up checking facebook.  When I walk into the office to get something, I take a quick check of facebook.  When I'm bored, I check facebook.  When I'm irritated with my kids, I check facebook.  When I want to escape reality, I check facebook.  Often these "quick checks" turn into significant amounts of time.  If I added up all the minutes I've spent on facebook this year, I'm sure I wouldn't be proud of the number.  And no, I'm not "that bad."  I know a lot of people spend way more time on it then I do, and most people would probably laugh that I think my amount of usage is too much.  But, it's too much for me at this time in my life.

And the time isn't the worst of it.  It's also the emotional and mental toll it puts on me and the energy it takes from "real life."  There are the facebook fights (which I try not to get involved in, but somehow end up happening anyway).  There's the overwhelming amount of trivia (whether in my friends' lives or in world news) that is taking up precious space in my brain that I could use for something more useful.  There's the emotional baggage that clings onto my spirit, even when I'm not on facebook...you know, things you see or read that you just keep thinking about and they drag you down.  We live in an age of too much information.  There's so much coming at us, all the time, from every direction, and the result is mental clutter.  It's hard for me to ever relax and not be thinking of 101 things I should be doing or learning or responding to, and facebook being a regular part of my life just increases my mental clutter.

Of course, there are parts of facebook that are great!  I love getting encouragement from others, reading something that's just what I need to hear that day, seeing amazing or funny videos, getting ideas for homeschooling, parenting, piano teaching, whatever.   I like getting involved with events and causes that I wouldn't otherwise know about.  I love keeping up on what's happening in my friends' lives (because, let's face it--without facebook I'd be pretty clueless about many of them).  I love being a part of the conversations with people I don't see in person that often.  I even sometimes get to see friends in person because of something posted on facebook.  I like being able to encourage people, joke with people, talk with people, laugh with people.  For a stay-at-home mom, it's nice to have a way to be with other grown-ups without having to find a babysitter!

But, as great as all of that is, I've decided that I need to take a break.  I need to free myself from what has become an addiction.  I need to use my time more wisely.   I need to rid myself of unneeded anxiety that comes from knowing so many things that are often irrelevant.  I need to re-experience what it was like to be concerned with my family and a few close friends and care for them deeply, rather than knowing what's going on in hundreds of people's lives who I don't really know that well and can't be in a deep relationship with.  I need to remove the temptation of getting into worthless arguments.  I need to break free from the need to be "in the know" on everything that might be happening to anyone I know, or sort-of know.  I need to reduce my mental clutter.  I need to get off my computer and spend more time with my children, who are growing up so fast and are watching my example.  So, for all of these reasons, I've decided to be off of facebook for the rest of this month and next (until July 1st) as an experiment.  I'm probably not going away forever, but I need to step out and get some perspective!  I want to see if it makes a difference in the amount of emotional energy I have, in the amount of free time I have, in the amount of peace I have.  Maybe it won't, but I have to get out and remind myself of what life was like in pre-facebook days.

So, why am I blogging about this, you may ask?  Why not just quietly disappear?  One reason is accountability.  I can't very well post this and then decide to sneak back in next week, right?  Call me on it, if I do!  The other reason is that writing things out always helps me process my thoughts.  And finally, in case anyone notices that I've disappeared, you'll know why.

I hope no ones takes this the wrong way.  Please don't think I consider this some great accomplishment or mark of spiritual maturity, or that I think that everyone who uses facebook a lot has a problem.  This is a confession of my shortcomings.  I've found myself "being mastered" by facebook, and that is not OK.  That's why I have to do something about it.

So, here I am....publicly saying I'm going to do this.  I'll probably regret it at times, but hold me to it!  I hope it will be beneficial in the long run.  Meanwhile, if you want to reach me, you'll have to use some old-fashioned method of communication like phone or email.  Remember those?  :)

"Everything is permissible for me"--but not everything is beneficial.  "Everything is permissible for me"--but I will not be mastered by anything.  ~1 Corinthians 6:12