I turned 35 today. I know in the grand scheme of things that's not very old. But I've never been 35 before, and it sounds old for ME to be that age! I guess if you go by my increasing amount of gray hair and diminishing amount of brain cells, I'm actually much older though. ;-) Heath and the kids took me out for dinner, and God gave us beautiful weather for my birthday so we could sit outside. It was a very nice day!
But that's not really what I'm writing about.
This morning, God did one of His little miracles. Subtle, personal, internal, but a miracle nonetheless. And I want to share it so that I can look back and remember what He did, and so that He might be glorified and you might be encouraged.
I had a bad last few days. (And just FYI, it's not hormonal...this is a spiritual battle going on.) I've been annoyed with everything and everyone, disgruntled about having to take care of my kids and the house, rude to my husband, complaining about everything, and just plain sick and tired of being a mom! I keep thinking to myself that I love my kids but I hate parenting! So when I'm in this frame of mind, no one can do anything right, and I just sink deeper and deeper into my pity party, and get meaner and meaner the longer I let it go on.
Well, this morning, as I already mentioned, was my birthday. On one's birthday, one should be treated with a little extra care, right? I shouldn't have to remind the kids to do their chores, there shouldn't be fighting and complaining, there shouldn't be extra messes to clean up, everyone should be perfect for me, right???? Well, in the ideal world that exists only in my head, YES!! The only problem comes when I expect that world to be my reality. So when the kids had to be reminded a gazillion times to finish their chores (because they kept getting sidetracked to fight with each other), when there are more than even the usual messes, when everyone keeps annoying me, what do I do? I explode with the stress of the last 3 days and launch into a big tirade about how it's my birthday and all I want for my birthday is them to behave and can't they even do that for one day a year and how I just want to be by myself for my birthday present and. . . . .wah wah wah wah wah. On I go, acting like my toddler throwing a tantrum. (See, 35 may feel old....but I'm still plenty young at heart.)
After I threaten everyone into the car, to go to . . . Bible study, of all places (where we've been studying being joyful always, praying continually, and being thankful in all circumstances) . . . I'm still fuming and irritated with them and with life and mostly with myself. A couple minutes before we arrive, a Creed song comes on saying "There's a peace inside us all . . . it will help you carry on . . . " And I'm thinking, "Yeah, right. What peace?" Too angry to pray, too angry to apologize to the kids, too angry to soften my heart at all, I don't even want to repent. But just before I get out of the car, I mutter to God, without really meaning it, "If there's really supposed to be a peace inside of me You'll have to force it on me, because I'm too mad to even ask for it right now." That was one of those prayers you don't really expect God to answer. I knew my heart was hard, my faith was nearly nonexistent, and my prayer anything but heartfelt.
But, guess how great my God is! During the next hour of discussion with the other ladies in the group, God softened my heart, gave me a spirit of repentance and filled me with peace. Some of the verses we studied were ones that I've known for ages and have memorized, but in that moment they were sharper than a two-edged sword, judging the thoughts and attitudes of my heart. This was no intellectual exercise where I figured out "Oh, I need to change this or that." I knew what was wrong before I came in there! No new knowledge was given out, and I didn't have any big enlightenment. But through fellowship with His saints and through the power of His word, He worked a miracle in my stubborn heart. I call it a miracle, not in a scientific sense like raising someone from the dead, but in a spiritual sense. One definition of miracle is "an extraordinary event manifesting divine intervention in human affairs." This was certainly that! Extraordinary in the sense that this doesn't ordinarily happen to me! Divine intervention in that HE did this, not me! You know, God says it's His kindness that leads us to repentance. And it was only His kindness that got me there. He did just what I had (almost sarcastically) prayed He would do . . . forced His peace on me, softened my stubborn heart, overwhelmed me with His grace.
After the Bible study I apologized to my beautiful, sweet children, and we enjoyed a wonderful afternoon and evening celebrating my years of life. But more importantly I want to celebrate my Savior, who can turn a heart of stone into a heart of flesh, who truly is my Lord of Peace.
Subtle. Personal. Internal. But a miracle nonetheless.
"Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way." 2 Thessalonians 3:16
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