2 Steps Forward, 1 Step Back . . .

. . . Well, at least I hope it's not the opposite! I do think overall things are improving. We've had quite the week though. Once again Heath was home from work this week. Not by choice, but it is definitely a blessing that I've had him here! This week in Tabitha's life consisted of surgery, general anesthesia, 2 days of vomiting, serious constipation, learning intermittent catheritization, doctor-directed relief of the constipation (you can imagine what that's like), and a few amazing temper tantrums. BUT . . . I do still feel like we're moving forward. Here are more details of the week (don't read the rest of this if you're squeamish or just feel no need to know such things). =)

I posted last week that things were getting better, but then Monday came. We took Tabitha to JH for a scope surgery. The doctors are trying to figure out exactly what was completed in her surgeries in China and what they still need to do. Our agency's working on getting the surgery notes, but I guess it's a difficult process. Dr. Gearhart said she was born with common cloaca (you can look it up if you want details). They partially repaired it in China, but she'll still need more surgeries. To do the scope she was put under general anesthesia. I have no experience with this at all--I've never been hospitalized, never had a child go through anything major, I'm totally naive in this department. Everything went well with the surgery, and next they want to do an MRI and ultrasound to get a better idea of what's going on in there. The x-ray also showed that the bowels were not functioning properly and she was extremely constipated. All was fine until she woke up . . . she was just miserable, and she remained that way for the next 48 hours. She couldn't eat or drink without throwing up. She was up most of the next two nights, throwing up on us and just being all around miserable. She kept doubling over in pain, and we didn't know if it was from the surgery, the bladder being full, or the constipation. So many problems, so little experience. Tuesday I had another breakdown, throwing myself a pity party about how we're in way over our heads, and we can't handle all this. Once again, Heath remained calm and collected and handled everything very well--especially the nighttime stuff. He knows how pathetic I am in the middle of the night. =)

Oh, yes, I forgot the most important part. When we were at the hospital Monday, while she was under anesthesia, they taught us how to catherterize her. Up until this point, she'd been wearing a permanent catheter, which is not safe and can lead to lots of infections. So we have to do intermittent catheritization every 2-4 hours. It went fine while she was asleep, but once she was awake it was quite a different story. It took 2 of us to hold her down every time, and she would scream like she was being tortured. Great for bonding with her new parents I'm sure. So, for the first few days I was seriously thinking, "there's no way I can handle this. What will I do when Heath goes back to work? How will we ever go out in public again? Will we never be able to get a babysitter?" Oh yes, and while Tabitha was sick and miserable all our energy was going to her. The worst part was when Ethan said, "Mommy, I don't get to spend any time with you." Great. So now I have one child with medical problems too big for me, and two children whom I'm totally neglecting. I'm sure my outlook would've been better if I'd spent more (well--any) time with the Lord. But I didn't prioritize well, and my stress level proved that.

I share all this, not for pity, but in case someone reading it might be in a similar situation, and also to show that God is still good and will never abandon me, even when I'm not doing a very good job of seeking after Him. Later in the week, things started to improve, and God is showing me (once again) there's no need to feel hopeless--He will carry me through anything He brings into my life. I need to quit doubting, quit complaining, and just trust and walk forward.

Heath had been doing most of the catheritization, and Thursday he said for the first time she didn't fight him! She still cried, but no fighting. Then we had the brilliant idea of bribing her with skittles! So with candy in her mouth, she started to relax, and toned her screaming down to a half-hearted whine. Our plan may have backfired because after a few times with the candy, she started ASKING to be cathed, just to have candy! I can't even explain what a relief this was for me. The doctors had told us that this didn't hurt her, but that she'd complain for the first few days until she got used to it. I totally didn't believe them that it wasn't hurting her--I mean, she was SCREAMING! But when she decided it was worth it just so she could have candy, I realized the doctors were right, and we're really not torturing her. The past 2 days she doesn't fight or cry anymore, and it really is becoming no big deal. Praise the Lord for that!

Yesterday we gave her the medicine for the constipation. The timing was great--we gave it to her, and then the boys and I left for a field trip and were gone for the next eventful few hours. Poor Heath. You're building up those crowns in heaven, Darling. =)

She is no longer having stomach pain, and she lies down to be cathed whenever she feels full. She has totally done a 180 since earlier in the week. By the way, we've had some DELICIOUS meals brought to us this week from people at church. What a blessing that has been!

Besides the medical stuff, we've also had some progress in other areas. She's saying a couple more words and has been much more happy and smiley. However, she's also had two temper tantrums that were completely unfathomable to me. They came out of nowhere, and I have never seen a child so angry. I guess the frustrations of a toddler not being able to express herself and wanting autonomy are mulitiplied 10-fold for her. With virtually no words to communicate with, and all she's been through in her little life I'm trying to be understanding. But at the same time we can't give in and encourage her behavior. This morning Heath is working, so I'm on my own. I don't know if I poured the wrong cereal in Tabitha's bowl or what, but she started throwing a fit in her high chair. I removed her from the table to the couch, and this began AN ENTIRE HOUR of the worst tantrum I have ever been privy to. At this point, I didn't know what she wanted, but even if I did I certainly couldn't give it to her and reward this tantrum! She did FINALLY calm down and allow me to hold and comfort her. Then I sat her back at the table, and she ate her original cereal, drank her juice, and all was well. It's a total mystery to me what set her off or how she could possibly go on so long, but at least she did calm down eventually. So, it's now after 10 am, and I'm still in my pajamas. Great start to the day.

Tabitha will probably read this one day as a teenager, and never forgive me for posting all this. But it's quite therapeutic for me, and helps me be a better mom, so I hope she'll understand. =)

In other news, Ethan and Jesse had their annual check-ups this week too. (We've been at doctor's appointments 5 days out of the 14 we've been home.) Jesse got 4 shots--he was very brave. Ethan was very cooperative for once, but he had some trouble with the eye chart, so the doctor wants him to see an opthamologist. So, that makes 5 appointments scheduled for December so far (4 doctors, me to the dentist), and we're still waiting to be scheduled for Tabitha's MRI. Oh yes, and then we need to get all 3 kids to the dentist. So much fun. But like I said in another post, I will not complain . . . we have probably the best healthcare in the world and excellent insurance. We are blessed.

And speaking of blessings, last night I went to a ladies' night with a group of homeschool moms. It was such a refreshing and fun time! And tomorrow Heath and I get to go see the Messiah with Matt & Bekah, and we even have a babysitter. It'll be our first time out by ourselves! =) I am really looking forward to that.

As Thanksgiving approaches I will be remembering how very much I have to be thankful for. Despite all my belly aching, my life is really much easier than most of the world's, and I have Christ carrying me through the hard parts. I have wonderful friends and family, an awesome husband, and 3 amazing kids. I am so richly blessed.