A Good Week

Well, we've been home from the hospital almost a week and despite all my griping and worrying, everything's been going OK.  Managing the catheters and ostomy isn't fun, but I'm not emotionally overwhelmed by it anymore.  Heath's been home a lot this week and done the majority of the work, and I know we have a lot of prayer support.  And it's working!  Thanks for praying for me . . . God has given me peace about all this, and I'm going to make it!

In addition, we've also had a few delicious meals delivered (thanks Mom R, Mary Ellen, and Bekah), and we even got our date night (thanks to our friends Jaci and Kelly)!  So, it hasn't been all bad!

Tabitha is doing really well.  She's not on any pain medicine anymore, and she's up and around, almost back to her old self.  We're trying to keep her somewhat calm so she doesn't rip out any of her contraptions, but she definitely has most of her energy and all of her spirit back.  She's doing OK with the tubes and all, but a couple of times she's gotten teary eyed and said, "Mommy, why do I have to have these?"  That really broke my heart because I'd only been concerned that she not be in pain; I hadn't thought about it bothering her emotionally, but I guess it does.  Fortunately, it's only temporary.

We go back to Cincinnati on Thursday, just for one night, for her post-op appointments.  They'll take out 2 of the tubes then, so she'll be down to just 2 tubes and the ostomy.  Please pray about scheduling the ostomy take-down.  They told us 8-12 weeks, which puts it as the 2nd week of July as the earliest.  And what's the earliest we could travel to China to adopt Rayanna?  You guessed it--the 2nd week of July.  We don't know our adoption travel dates until 3 weeks ahead of time, so it really makes it hard to figure out how to schedule Tabitha's surgery.  If we did it before adopting, we'd want Tabitha to be totally recovered before we go, but we wouldn't want to keep Rayanna waiting any longer than necessary.  If we did it after the adoption, it adds a stressful event to the already stressful adjustment period.  So pray that we'll know what to do, and that the medical issues and adoption issues all work out somehow!

We really do have so much to be thankful for.  To name just a few . . .
-Her ileostomy is only temporary; some people have it for life.
-Her hospital stays are occasional and planned, not life-threatening or constant.
-We have amazing insurance.  We haven't gotten the bill yet, but we're guessing (based on her previous surgeries) that this will be a couple hundred thousand dollars.  And all we have to pay is a $30 copay.
-God led us to the world's best hospital and doctors for handling Tabitha's issues.  In fact, her surgeon is the partner of the doctor that invented the surgery she had done, which was a huge improvement on the way it used to be done.
-We live here and now.  Thirty years ago this procedure hadn't been figured out, and there was no Colorectal Center like this.  Let alone had we lived in another century, when she probably wouldn't have even survived.  We also live in a country that is blessed with amazing doctors and technology.  And, even though I complained a lot about our hospital stay, it was luxury compared to many other hospitals.  For comparison, here are some pictures of the hospital we spent a few hours in with Tabitha in China: crowded, dirty, IV's on poles, payment required before treatment . . .

And here is Cincinnati Children's Hospital:  bright, cheery, clean, safe, and comfortable . . . 

We really have NOTHING to complain about!

We're Getting Close!

I've been so busy with Tabitha's surgery that I haven't even had time to think about how close we're getting to Rayanna!  While we were in Ohio a letter came saying that our I800 approval had been forwarded to the US Consulate in Guangzhou.  From this point it takes about 2-3 weeks to get approval from them.  Then it takes 3-4 weeks to get Travel Approval from China.  Then about 3 weeks after that, we go!  So we're looking at the middle of July for travel.

While we were at the hospital, other people were working on our behalf.  Heath's brother's wife, along with many others from their church, plus some other friends and family, held a big bake sale at Walkersville Days, with all the proceeds going toward our adoption!  We've had a couple other friends who held sales to raise money for us, plus we've had several friends and family donating directly.  Not to mention all the people who are praying for us!  We are so blessed!  It is exciting to see the body of Christ working together to minister to a precious little orphan on the other side of the world . . . who won't be an orphan for long!

I'm hoping that things will settle down with Tabitha's needs, so that once we finish school (2 more weeks) I'll have some time to mentally and logistically prepare for Rayanna's arrival and our trip.  It'll be here before we know it!

Home Sweet Home

Tabitha and I were released from the hospital yesterday afternoon.  The trip home was fine.  She actually did really well sitting in her car seat and didn't complain about her bottom hurting until we were almost home.  Thank you Lord for that!  She was so happy to be out of there, and I was too!  She just seemed so happy and relieved, and we had some really cute conversations on the way.  (Heath and I have noticed something different about her voice and how she talks ever since the surgery.  I have no idea why, but she has a different laugh, a different tone to her voice, and her speech is actually more clear than usual.  We can't figure it out!)  But, anyway,  we had a good trip home.

The boys were really sweet to Tabitha when she got back, and she even shared some of her new gifts with them!  Heath's working nights this week, but (being the awesome husband that he is) he rearranged his schedule so he could be there when we got home.  He took care of Tabitha during the night so I could have a good night's sleep.  I love that man!  

It's amazing how getting out of the hospital changes your perspective.  As soon as we started driving away I felt like it's all going to be OK.  I think when you're surrounded by just the "yucky" hospital stuff, it begins to look like this huge insurmountable mountain.  But once you're back in the big wide world, things get back into perspective and don't seem so terrible anymore.  Plus, I have LOTS of people praying for me!  (Thanks!)  She did sleep a lot on the way home, and I had some good time to just think and pray.  I'm feeling much more positive about all this medical stuff we have to deal with.  I still don't like it, but I know that God will get us through and will use it for good.  He's definitely working on my attitude.  I listened to this song on the way home and want to share it here too:

We're Outta Here!!!!

(well, almost)

Why I Love Hospitals

There are so many perks about staying in a hospital that you just can't find anywhere else!

Where else can you have no responsibilities for any decisions?  When to eat, when to pee, when to poop, when to take medicine . . . it's all decided for you!

Where else do people care so much about you that they're willing to check on you every hour, even if you're sound asleep?  They even go so far as to stagger their visits just to make sure nothing comes up in between the hourly visits!

Where else can you feel so important that you have strangers visiting your living space in hordes, even if you're not dressed and it's 6 am?  Where else do people feel so comfortable with your relationship that they don't even need to call first?

Where else do experts make all the decisions for you, and you don't even have to worry about whether or not you understand?

Where else can you not even worry about trash and laundry, knowing they will be emptied even in the middle of the night?

Where else do new people take 12-hour shifts for the chance to get to know you, and then, as soon as you're comfortable with them, they graciously give the next person a turn?

Where else can you wear a beautiful gown every day and not even worry about what it does or doesn't cover?

Where else does someone care enough to keep track of every thing that goes into and comes out of your body?

Where else can you hear an alarm every time your breathing changes or you move around?

Where else can you be sure not to oversleep, by having someone rearrange you every so often and give you the assurance that you're still breathing and your heart's still beating?

Where else do visitors put themselves on a nocturnal schedule, just so you can have a perky peppy voice come and dispel the darkness at 2 am?

Where else (besides jail) do you have to wait for permission to leave?

Ahhh....I just love hospitals.

She's Up!

Tabitha and I just got back from a WALK down the hall!  Actually, we went down our hall and around the corner down another hall and back.  And I only held her arm.  She held most of her own weight!  Now, she did walk kind of like a saddle-sore drunkard, but it's progress!  She was even asking to go farther, despite the fact that she was whimpering.  She wants to ride the elevator, so I think after dinner we'll go for another walk.

I was feeling really discouraged about this this afternoon because she was getting angry and wouldn't even try.  But she was so happy to be out of the room just now that I think she'll be more eager to try again next time.  Thank you Lord for this big step!  Hallelujah!

I Just Want Normal

Feel free not to read this if you're not in the mood for griping and blunt honesty.  And I preface this by saying I know I have things easy compared to much of the world's population, and I should be (and am) grateful for the wonderful blessings in my life.  But these are the feelings I'm struggling with.  

I am absolutely emotionally exhausted from everything having to do with Tabitha over the past 2 years.  I love her and wouldn't trade her for the world, but I'm just tired.  I just want "normal" life back.  I feel like it's been one surprise after another from the adoption process to the bonding to the medical needs.  And each surprise is a little worse than the one before it.

Mainly, it's the medical issues that I'm upset about.  I know that in reality we're on a long road that has a good ending, but I feel like each step we make takes us farther from normal life.  We were quite naive when we accepted a referral for a child with "repaired imperforate anus."  I thought repaired meant repaired.  Well....as of 6 days ago it's repaired the right way, and even that really doesn't mean anything.  I thought we would need a quick surgery to remove her extra thumb, and she might need to take laxatives on a regular basis.  HA!  Surprise, surprise....that is NOT how it has been.

I could write a book on all the surprises we've been dealt, and how I've handled them (or not handled them).  But the latest surprises are what's getting to me.  We knew the ileostomy was a possibility, but I guess I was in denial that it would really happen.  I've had great encouragement from friends, family, and parents experienced with this, and I know we will make it.  The truth of the matter is, I DON'T WANT TO.  There's a reason I didn't go into the medical field.  I "don't do" gross bodily things.  If only saying that would make it true.  Unfortunately no matter how much I "don't do" this stuff, there's no getting out of it.  I have to do it.  Of course, a couple years ago I wouldn't have thought I could cath someone.  A few months ago I swore I couldn't do enemas.  And now I'm sure I can't handle an ostomy.  And by that I don't mean that I am physically incapable of doing it; I mean that I'm emotionally incapable of doing it with a positive attitude.  

In case the ostomy wasn't enough, there are a bunch of foods she can't eat while she has it.  She'll also have 2 tubes coming from the bladder (through her SKIN) to drain stuff.  So until the ostomy closure she'll have 2 additional holes/tubes in her belly, besides the ostomy.  And the latest development (as of yesterday) is that we're also going home with 2 additional catheters (one from each ureter) that are also coming through holes in her belly.  These will be removed at her post-op visit in 2 weeks.  So going home, that's 4 holes in the belly, 5 tubes, 2 urine leg bags, the ostomy bag on her belly, and the other tube that drains who knows what into her diaper.  And I was hoping for a date night when we got back, since I haven't seen my husband in almost 2 weeks.  Yeah right.  

I remember when she had her constant poopy diapers, how hard it was for me to snuggle her and enjoy holding her because of the smell.  And now she's got bodily waste hanging off her body every which way.  I'm not handling it well.  I just want normal.  This surgery was supposed to "fix" things (and rationally, I know it has), but I feel like we're worse off than we were before hand.  I'm trying so hard to keep these feelings to myself and not give her any hint that I'm grossed out by all this.  I put on my happy face (well, my grin-and-bear-it face) and do what needs to be done, praying that she won't catch a drift of how I'm feeling about it all.

I guess it wouldn't be that bad if we were just going to sit home all summer until she gets this thing reversed.  But we can't do that.  We do have to go out and about at times.  We have church Day Camp next month.  Are they going to handle an ostomy bag?  Highly doubt it.  We have a family reunion in July.  Will I be able to relax and have fun having to deal with the bag and the fear it might leak?  Highly doubt it.  We're supposed to be going to China for another adoption in July.  Do we want to be adding ostomy-reversal surgery and recovery to the difficult adoption adjustment period?  Absolutely not.  Is there anything good about this situation?  Not a thing that I can think of.  

I'm eager to get out of the hospital and back to normal life.  But it hit me last night, we're not going back to normal life.  We're bringing all of this hospital crap (figuratively and literally) back with us, except without the nurses to handle it for us.  And that's just depressing.  I'm angry and scared.  I know I just need to buck up and trust God's grace to get me through.  I know I need to end my pity party.  I just don't know how.  I kind of feel like even if I did choose to be happy and could successfully do it, it's a denial of how awful this really is.  It would be fake, pretending that this isn't absolutely wreaking havoc on my life.

We'd been telling Tabitha about this surgery, that the doctors were going to fix her bottom.  She was OK with that.  But now her bottom hurts so much she can't even sit on the bed, her belly is in pain every time she moves.  And as she just discovered yesterday, she has intestine sticking out a hole in her abdomen with nasty stuff coming out of it.  Yesterday with tears in her eyes she said, "The doctor hurt my belly."  She can't walk, she's in pain, she's got holes all over her body, she's got tubes and bags everywhere, and from her perspective, everything is a whole lot worse than it was before.  And there's nothing I can do about it.  

I know I should end this with a "But here's what God is doing in our lives through this..."  The only words I can share are not my own.  Like Job I must say,  "Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?"  And like Paul, I cling to this truth:  "Our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."  God, fix my eyes on that eternal glory, and mold my heart to accept whatever you send my way.  Amen.