One Year

Well, I'm a bit late writing this, but late is better than never, right?

Tabitha's adoption became official one year ago on October 26th. What a year! In many ways, this has been the hardest year of my life, so much harder than I ever expected. Many of my feelings have been expressed by Lori King in her blog post called "My Yoke is Easy", which I read last week and ask you to read if you'd like to hear about some of the emotional struggles adoption has brought into my life this past year. Even though her circumstances are different (they adopted a 13-year-old), most of the emotions she describes are just like mine.

Why has it been so difficult? After all, we've fulfilled my life-long dream of adopting a child, and we have a beautiful, precious little girl in our family and the blessing of knowing we've drastically changed her life. But we have also dealt with a host of issues that weren't part of that life-long dream: severe tantrums, aggression, rebellion, medical-issues galore, annoying habits, social problems, unintelligible speech . . . and the unexpected ugliness all this brought out in me.

But even though this year has been hard, I know that God is using it for good. He is constantly teaching me more about Himself. As our adoptive Parent He must have many of the same issues to deal with. He sacrificed so much to adopt us, and yet we so often fail to live in a way that shows gratitude to Him. Even though we fail Him over and over again, He forgives and continues to love us. By seeing how hard it is to be a human adoptive parent, it helps me have a deeper appreciation for God's love in spiritually adopting us.

Not only is God using adoption to teach me about Himself, but (much to my dismay) He's using it to teach me about myself. The social worker's write-ups make us sound like such wonderful parents who do such a great job with our kids. But I know that's not always the case. While Heath has handled the challenges wonderfully and supported me immensely, this year has shown me that I am not the loving, compassionate, patient person I'd like to think I am. I am so far from being the kind of parent that God is. I fail my children every single day, and adoption has brought to the surface a lot of ugly attitudes that had been more hidden before. Marriage brought some of them out, having biological children brought out a whole lot more, and now adopting a child has really revealed the ugly selfishness that hides in my heart.

While this has been a difficult year, and is still not perfect, I know that good is coming out of it. By revealing my sinful heart, God has made me more dependent on Him than ever before. I wish I could just learn to depend on Him and move onto the next lesson! But I keep thinking I've got it down and forget how utterly dependent I am on God's strength, God's love, God's patience. I don't think the goal here is to learn how to conquer the sins in my life; I think the goal is to learn that I cannot conquer these sins in my own power. I need to learn to rely constantly on His power, or I will continue to fail. I'm still figuring out exactly what that means and how to do it, but He's made it clear to me that that's what I need to be doing. This quote explains it more poetically:

Before He furnishes the abundant supply, we must first be made conscious of our emptiness, before he gives strength, we must be made to feel our weakness. Slow, painfully slow, are we to learn this lesson; and slower still to own our nothingness and take the place of helplessness before the Mighty One. ~A.W. Pink

So that's what God's been doing in my life through this year. Tabitha, too, has had a year full of growth. She's gone from being an orphan to a beloved daughter and sister (and granddaughter, niece, cousin, etc.) She's gotten new citizenship, acclimated to a radically different culture, and learned to understand the basics of a totally foreign language. She's had 3 surgeries and several exams and is on the road toward even more health improvements. She's learned colors and numbers and loves to do "school." She's overcome her fear of dogs and baby dolls and now greatly enjoys both. She's learning how to build relationships with parents, brothers, other family, and friends. She's learned to ride a tricycle, bounce and catch a ball, do puzzles, color, and play games. She's had a year full of accomplishments. She's a friendly, cheerful, fun little girl, with a sensitive heart and loads of potential. And I'm the one who gets to be her mom as she develops that potential, the one who gets to lead and guide her and watch her grow up. What a privilege that is!

As we start our second year with Tabitha, I look forward to the work God will continue to do in my life and all that He'll be doing in Tabitha's life and in our family. Even with all the difficulties of this year, and maybe partially because of them, Tabitha is truly a blessing to our family, and we are so thankful to have her.